I believe what is on the inside manifests on the outside. You can’t look 20 forever and do you really want to? Age is a gift. It brings with it knowledge, lessons learned, experience, a whole new different way of thinking, and appreciation.
Aging gracefully includes so many things. Starting with what you feed your body. Eating living foods that nourish and give you energy. Provide your body with necessary supplements that keep your mind alert and your body functioning. I take a multivitamin, coral calcium, fish oil, and iron every day.
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“My word is my bond.” There was a day when that really meant something. Today we need contracts or a recording of a conversation to remind someone of what they may or may not have said. Truth was about integrity and building relationships on honesty. I’m not saying that we may be out-and-out lying, but our brain connects it as a truth.
Exaggerations
Reminds me of the movie Liar Liar. We can expand on what we are saying, maybe twist it to meet our needs. We may not be outright lying, but we really aren’t essentially telling the truth either.
When I bought my house on my own shortly after my divorce, I was asked how much I make. As much as most of us would like to pad our income by rounding up a little, I didn’t want to consider making payments on a house that I couldn’t afford. Instead I told them my actual amount and they even offered me more than I had expected. I had done my research in what I thought I could make in monthly payments and not be “house poor.” As a single mom with two kids, I needed discretionary funds.
Have I ever exaggerated? Probably, and probably in my own feeling of inadequateness in wanting to impress someone.
Absolutes and Superlatives
Another incorrect way of phrasing something is by stating every, never, always, everyone, anything, everything, nothing. There is no room for anything else. It is all or nothing. In reality, we know this is not the case. Such as, “I could never do that. I am so uncoordinated.” In truth, nothing is out of our reach unless we make it so in our mind first. See, I just used an absolute. Like that?
Self Put-Downs
I have a sister who does this a lot. They are not big things, just little dings. Like, “I’m not that smart, I never went to college.” Or my mom. Her trusty stand-by is always, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” For the last one, I have to remind my mom that she is not stupid. You see, she grew up on a farm and never made it past primary school and never went on to high school. She was required to stay at home and work the farm. Besides, girls would be expected to get married and stay home anyways, right?
Well, my mom moved from Wisconsin to Chicago, Illinois and then San Francisco, California, where she put her and my dad into their own business with her money. She ran the daily bookkeeping, payroll, and inventory. She was also smart enough to hire an accountant for tax purposes. All this while raising five children. She is one smart cookie. And she doesn’t always give herself the credit she deserves for being smart and resourceful.
Would you say things to downplay a good friend of yours? I’m a huge cheerleader, always cheering others on to how great they are. I make a point of doing this for myself. After all, aren’t we are own best friend?
Affirmations. Telling yourself truths about yourself. Yes, we need to remind ourselves how great and fantastic we are. What we say about ourselves become self-fulfilling prophesies. You may think you are being humble, but you are giving yourself and others an inaccurate reflection of who you are. If you consider it bragging, then think about how you are putting your accomplishments out there. Be proud of what you’ve done and where you’ve come from. People want to deal with someone who is competent, confident, and knowledgeable. And you wouldn’t want to have it any other way.
Diminishment
Diminishment is discounting yourself in little ways. When someone gives you a compliment and you say something like, “Oh, no biggee” or “It was nothing.” It also discounts the compliment that someone pays you when all you have to say is, “Thank you.” When you say things like, “I’m just a secretary,” you discount your value that you bring to the company you work for. By speaking well of yourself, you attract the good in life to come your way and the respect of your colleagues and management.
By eliminating the words “just” and “but” you rise to the excellence you are designed for. “I’m smart, but I tend to forget the simplest things.” NO!
Criticism
This is directed at someone else with the idea of being helpful.
When my children were young, I made great effort not to state something that came across negative and had a way of projecting that word onto them as a person. Such as, “That was stupid” or “You are an ungrateful human being.” These statements project negativity onto the other person and, if said enough, can become how they identify themselves. You have now created a reality onto someone where one did not exist. Had the comment been stated differently, instead you could create a more productive outcome. And, these statements are purely mean and hateful, even if they are said in the heat of the moment.
Give it 48 hours. Most people realize their mistakes in 3-D, living color, surround sound. If you must point out a problem, focus as much as you can on the person’s assets.
The Chameleon
This is the individual who changes what they think to be accepted by the people or surrounding they are in. Ever see The Runaway Bride? Julia Roberts’ character changes her personality, what she likes, and what she doesn’t like depending on the person she is dating at the time. She comes to realize that she hasn’t formed her own opinions about what she likes and doesn’t like and discovers herself by identifying and acknowledging her authentic self. It is better to stay genuine to who you are. Pretenses are often difficult to manage over time. Eventually you will be found out. The admiration most worth having often comes from someone who disagrees with what you think, but respects who you are.
The people who love you are because of your authentic self. We love each other regardless of the flaws and shortcomings that we have. It is the person that you are they respect and appreciate. If you have to make shit up to be something you are not for other people, you are hanging out with the wrong people. You bring a different dynamic to each relationship that you have and these relationships should bring out the best in them and you. If it doesn’t, you may have to rethink the relationship.
I hope you enjoyed this and I hope I made you think. I make myself think all the time. Share this, Tweet this, Facebook it, or stop by and add me to your Facebook and/or Twitter. Would love to have you.
I don’t gamble, but I love card and board games. I used to play poker and chess with my son. Wouldn’t say I was very good at it, but would love to learn the nuances of the game and figure out how to be a knowledgeable contender to some degree. I also consider these the “thinking man’s” games. They are not necessarily based purely on chance, like slot machines. You pretty much get what you get at the pull of the handle. Not with poker.
Texas Hold’em Basics
- The two players to the left of the dealer put out blind bets.
- Every player is dealt two cards, face down, called the “hole” or “pocket” cards.
- The action falls on the player to the left of the big blind. She can either call the bet, raise it, or fold. Betting continues around the table.
- After the betting is complete, three cards are dealt face up in the center of the table, which is referred to as the “board.” The first three cards are called “the flop.” These cards are called “community cards,” meaning everyone can (and will) use them in combination with their own hole cards to make the best hand. Before the dealer deals out the flop, she first deals one card face down, a “burn card.”
- From the flop on, betting begins with the player to the dealer’s left, who can check or bet.
- The dealer again “burns” a card and then deals a fourth card face up on the board. This is called “fourth street” or “the turn card.”
- There is another round of betting.
- The dealer “burns and turns” another card. The final card is called “fifth street” or “the river.”
- A final round of betting occurs. The remaining players show their cards and the person who can make the best five-card hand by combining their pocket cards with the cards on the board wins. (In some rare cases, the five cards making up the board will actually make the best hand, in which case everyone left in the hand divides up the pot.)
Your Hole Cards
During the game of Texas Hold’em, there are cards that all the players share. In the case of the administrative assistant that could be typing, phone, and general computer skills. However, like Texas Hold‘em, you have your own “hole cards.” What are these you say? These two cards are unique to you. These are your secret weapons that nobody knows. Every player has their own combination of “hole” cards. It’s these two cards that will make all the difference in your hand.
Have you figured out your best combination hole cards (skills) that you believe are your highest ranking cards? These are skills that come easy for you, that you have a natural knack or understanding for. You are a whiz at Excel; you type 100 words a minute; grammar, punctuation, and writing is your playground; you have a natural ability to make people feel comfortable and at ease; you have an ability to negotiate really good deals.
The Flop Should Fit Your Hand
After the flop, you’ve seen five out of seven cards. That’s 70 percent of the hand. When the flop comes and it doesn’t improve your hand, you should get out. This could mean that your pocket cards aren’t a good match for the overall hand.
Have you ever had the feeling that you are doing a job that doesn’t fit with your best skills? You are left feeling unchallenged. Or you discover the landscape and culture of the office you work in doesn’t fit your personality and you feel like your “breath is being choked out of you.” You can assess these in the flop and decide if you should walk away. It’s just not a winning hand for you or the employer.
Figure Out What Hands Are Possible That Could Beat Yours
I find it interesting that I feel like I do better to a certain degree when I see who I’m completing with in an initial group interview, where the employer lays out to the group what they are looking for, skills desired, and other conditions. Candidates then have the option to withdraw. This is where I get to assess and size up my competition. It’s when I don’t get to see who my competition is that my imagination runs wild and I really have to work my confidence in knowing that I am one of the best candidates for consideration.
You may not know what skills your competition is holding, but you can assess what pocket cards you want to play in that situation. Also, in the process of figuring out what skills or experience seems to attain higher rankings, research what it would take to acquire that skill or experience.
The point is, don’t downplay your pocket cards. Make a list of the things that you are really good at. These are usually the things that we tend to downplay and think everyone else can do because it comes so easy for us. Not true! These are YOUR cards. Not everybody gets them. These are also the cards that put you over the top when the cards shared by everyone else has been laid on the table.
You have some really great hole cards! Do you know what they are? Do you play them when you can?
Confidence is sexy, let me just get that out there. Confidence is reassuring; it’s decisive. People will follow sureness and direction. Confidence has the capacity to make others feel safe. You believe in them and their abilities.
Some History
The definition of confidence from the dictionary and its use related to this writing is:
“Belief in one’s own abilities; self-assurance”
Confidence is derived from the word “confident” and “confide.” Latin for confidentia, “to have full trust or reliance,” from con- , intensive prefix, + fidere “to trust.”
To have confidence projects attributes of assurance, authority, self-assurance, sureness, and self-confidence. Confidence instills in others hopefulness, trust, and security. While the opposite of confidence is obvious, lacking self-confidence. The lack of self-confidence attributes is shy, timid, unsure, and diffident. Quite a contrast and really gives you an idea of where you lie on the spectrum.
Where to Start? The Internal
The biggest and hardest work you will have to do is the internal stuff. It is also the most important. It is difficult to project outside of yourself what doesn’t exist on the inside. It can come across fake, pushy, and bossy. Self-confidence isn’t self-serving; it takes accountability for how they treat people, their surroundings, and the world. These are the people who inspire and create change that makes a difference.
Exercise 1: Create a Thank You or Gratitude Journal
Every day, there is so much to be grateful for. Do you ever just walk down the street, it’s beautiful and sunny, not a cloud in the sky and just say thank you to the heaven’s as you are walking into work. I walk about four blocks in all the elements of the weather every day. For days like today, where the forecast is for wind and rain, I am singing praises that I was given a window to get to my destination in dry weather either before or after the pounding rain. This morning, the heavy downpour stopped before leaving for work. Last night I left work just before the downpour began. This goes in my gratitude journal every time.
Maybe you have had some health, financial, relationship, or career issues that have been weighing you down, but your kids come by and/or call you regularly to check on you, make sure you’re doing okay, ask you if there is anything you need or want. Sometimes it can be about seeing the good stuff that comes out of the icky stuff. When you are able to recognize the good stuff when surrounded with challenges, you actually begin to get more tuned in to opportunities manifesting all around you. Where your radar did not pick up on opportunities previously, your radar has now shifted and you find people, events, and circumstances presenting simple joys into your life. You have now opened your mind and heart up to receive beautiful things into your life. For many of us, that is the hardest part… to realize that we deserve good things to come to us and graciously accept them. Gratitude journal!
Exercise 2: Create a Thoughts & Ideas Journal
I have ideas coming into my head all the time throughout the day, or a book or information that will come to my attention that I might want to look into, maybe a quote that struck me at the moment. It’s great to have a handy notebook to write it down, because I always end up forgetting it even an hour later. It is something you can go back to at a later date when you want to remember something or be inspired. Your big idea that makes you millions might come from there. It’s also is a great reminder of the many great ideas that you come up with ALL the time.
Exercise 3: 100 Successes
Make a list of 100 successes. I would suggest breaking it up into segments or blocks of time. Something like every 10 years, 15 years, or 20 years; or birth through primary school, high school through college, post-college to current date. At first you will think of the big things, like graduating from college, the birth of your children, getting married, getting first place in track, a promotion. Soon you will have to recognize the little successes to get to 100. How about learning to ride a bike, starting over on your own after a divorce, learning algebra, getting your driver’s license.
If you have ever gone to or are currently going to interviews, this is a great exercise. Getting asked the question, “Describe a project you worked on that was successful” or “Describe a challenge and what you did to overcome it.” This is a pretty staple question at interviews. With this exercise, you will have a plethora of examples to draw from. So don’t forget to write down your challenging career successes.
You will discover that you are gifted and talented in so many ways and that you have learned so much and continue to learn each day. This exercise will actually inspire you to come up with challenges so you can list it as a success. It will also inspire you to face your current challenges head on so that you can mark this down as an achievement.
Remembering your successes of the past paves a way for more success to come your way. When you are feeling down and debilitated by a challenge, you can pick up your list of successes and be inspired that you can do this (whatever your current challenge is).
Exercise 4: Victory Log
I guess this would be your successes in the making log. After you have made a list of successes, you will be inspired to challenge yourself and/or overcome your challenges just so you can add them to your Victory Log. Once again, it’s not just what we consider to be big victories; remember the little victories along the way. Many times it is the little things that chip away at the challenge and allow the big victory to happen. Write them down, appreciate them, and take credit for all the successes you make in a day.
Exercise 5: Reward
More often than not we may feel our hard work goes unnoticed. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to get recognition from outside yourself alone. Make a point of rewarding yourself when you accomplish something, reach a goal, or finish a project. Like a little kid who is struggling on their homework when they would rather be out playing with their friends. As the parent, we give direction. Well that can be tough to do when they just can’t get the focus to concentrate and do what needs to be done. So you let them know that once they have completed their homework, they can play with their friends. If they get an A on the next exam, you will get them that game on Wii or Nintendo. You get the idea. Promise yourself a prize or reward for completing a project, assignment, or goal. We might be grown up, but we still crave appreciation and accomplishment. Here’s your “gold star!”
Exercise 6: Meditation
Meditation can be something different for different people. For some, it is a walk along the river or any other body of water or being surrounded by nature. Meditation is a time to get out of your own head, dump out all of your anxieties, demands, and expectations and listen to your heart and soul. Some people prefer to do it first thing in the morning, it sets them up for the rest of the day to let the good things come their way. Others, like me as I’m not really a morning person, prefer a meditative activity in the evening. It puts perspective and releases the finished day. Meditation and meditative activities reconnects us to the energies around us and settles our overactive brains.
Exercise 7: Exercise
Exercise promotes healing and strength. It lifts your spirits and energy; not only physically, but mentally as well. Exercising regularly and eating healthy can do wonders for sharpening your mind, making you more focused, activates the skill of determination, and brings out your inner confidence as you transform the outer image of yourself.
Whenever you start making changes from bad habits to good, healthy, and productive habits, you will find your confidence growing as you take on your bigger challenges. To start, find something you already enjoy, that gets you moving, and do it 30 minutes a day. As your confidence grows, you will be able to add more activities and incorporate more activity into your daily schedule.
Also, appreciate your body. Appreciating the beauty in your own skin is an amazing thing. Eating healthy and exercise is giving back the respect all that your body does for you on a daily basis. Besides, you get to live in it for the rest of your life. Like the care and maintenance you give to your car and home, I hope you hold your body to a higher standard of care and love.
Exercise 8: Self-Appreciation Exercise
At the end of the day, before you go to bed, stand in front of a mirror. Take a moment to look deep into the eyes of this person, the reflection that is you, and into their heart. Your best friend, the person who means the most to you in this world. Begin by saying your name out loud and saying all the things you appreciate.
- Acknowledge your business, financial, educational, personal, physical, spiritual, or emotional achievements.
- Acknowledge your personal successes in diet, exercise, reading, meditative, journaling, or prayer.
- Acknowledge successes in not giving in to your temptations like passing up dessert, not watching so much tv, going to bed early, forgoing the sugary drink or alcoholic beverage, eating healthy snacks instead of potato chips, etc.
When you are done, take a moment to take in everything that was appreciated. Before turning to go off to bed, tell your friend in the mirror, “I love you.” That part might be the hardest part to do of all and the most important. Over time, you will start seeing this really amazing person looking back at you in the reflection.
Exercise 9: Affirmations
Affirmations are a really great tool to boost confidence. You can use them anywhere, anytime.
Write them down on Post It Notes and put them on your refrigerator, your bathroom mirror, your dresser, on your computer monitor or tower, anywhere you need a quick affirmation pick me up.
- Quote your favorite affirmation as a mantra when you are meditating.
- Quote your affirmations at particular times of the day, like first thing in the morning, before you go to bed, as you are driving or walking into work or school.
- Quote affirmations when you have a big event coming up, such as on the way to an interview, getting ready for a date, on your way to Thanksgiving dinner with family, getting together with the in-laws.
All of these things take time. It’s a process. It takes time for a flower to bloom, for the child to grow into a man/woman. It’s the process of learning; learning to change things that don’t apply to you, that don’t make sense, and that don’t belong. Take the time because you deserve it and it’s a process of discovery along the way. Some things may be harder than others, but keep plugging along and enjoy the process. Log your changes and write down what you’re learning.
Another thing you might start to see happening is you begin seeing opportunities and successes where you didn’t before. You may find yourself less anxious and, therefore, other people are less anxious when they are around you. You may find yourself actually enjoying some of your challenges, getting excited about what you can do next to overcome the next obstacle.
The most confident people are also the most gracious. They appreciate where they’ve been, where they are, the people they have with them, and the details of what makes each thing so amazing and fantastic. They are also understanding of others flaws, realizing that we are all flawed and imperfect and display kindness and compassion when appropriate.
The majority of confident and successful people have stories. It is the stories of how their challenges shaped them and contributed to their success by teaching them perseverance through adversity, patience, the ability to ask for guidance, and the belief that great people, things, and opportunities come into their life. Faith!
Most of all I wish you great love in discovering yourself and what makes you so fantastic that it doesn’t make sense for you not to be confident.
Life has a way of throwing us unexpected curves and challenges. It is our perception that gives the outcome momentum, whether positive or negative. How would you like to see your career, relationships, and life evolve?
In reality, it takes more effort to process challenges negatively than positively. The stress on your body, mind, and relationships create havoc and damage that can be costly and time-consuming to repair. It also takes much more effort to counter-direct something that is already in motion. Did you ever notice how some things escalate in momentum depending on outside contributing factors?
Do you notice when things are good, they are very, very good? Or when things are going bad, it just goes from bad to worse? Like the belief that everything comes in threes. Or, that was the year from hell? Or, the winning streak? We actually perpetuate it in our own mind.
What I am suggesting is that when we see what appears to be a challenge, to angle our perception in a positive and constructive manner. What skill do I need to learn, adapt, or apply to meet and exceed this challenge? What outcome would be my “best case scenario?” What would I like to learn or get out of this challenge?
Newton’s Three Laws of Motion
Newton’s First Law of Motion
“Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.”
Newton’s Second Law of Motion
“The relationship between an object’s mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. Acceleration and force are vectors (as indicated by their symbols being displayed in slant bold font); in this law the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector.”
Newton’s Third Law of Motion
“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
Love What You Do
You may be doing a job that doesn’t tap into your talents. You don’t feel respected for the contributions you make in being part of the company. The energy of the office and/or management reinforces negativity and constant criticism. There is endless reasons a job becomes a chore or dread each day you go in.
As I mentioned, when you are working with forces already existing, the effort to alter or change the direction is much greater, especially when they exist outside your influence. Some ideas:
1. Don’t participate in the negative behavior or contribute to the atmosphere. After all, you are an independent thinker.
2. Write down what your perfect office, job, boss, personal life, friendship, family dynamic, finances would be. Make it detailed and focus your intentions on cultivating that atmosphere, even if it is in your own little cubicle or tiny apartment.
3. If you are not already, continue to put your resume out there and see what comes your way. Keep your network informed that you are open to opportunities. Create new connections by getting involved in organizations and/or events, clubs, hobbies, even free classes. This opens up and expands your sphere of influence and the people in it.
Love The People You Are With
I live and work in the city, so I am surrounded by a lot of people almost all of the time. This can be good and bad. I also come from a relatively large family. There are five of us siblings. To me, if there is only one or two, in general, you know who did it! I have two kids, a boy and a girl, both grown now, and there where a lot of times I couldn’t figure who did it. Anyway, add on more and it gets to be loud, more drama, more family expectations and demands, more, more, more!
I appreciate the liveliness and energy of being surrounded in the hustle-bustle of the city, the dining, shopping, art, and culture. I also participate in my relationships with friends and family that include get-togethers and social activities. I also make every effort to protect my privacy and personal time to shut down and just focus on me.
It is easy to get swept away and feel obligated to other people and your work. Just pay attention to whether you are playing the martyr or just plain sacrificing the necessary and essential time to take care of you. If they are the right people in your life, they will understand that you cannot say “yes” to everything.
Choices are just that… Choices. I have said to my kids many times, “When you say “yes” to one thing, you are saying “no” to another.” Make sure you are saying “yes” to the things that matter and aren’t merely taking up your space, time, and energy. People also have a greater respect for someone who is doing something because they want to, not because they feel they have to.
Some things I do for a day:
1. I don’t answer the phone or texts.
2. I don’t participate in the social media when I’m online.
3. Have a spa day with a luxurious bath, do my hair and nails, right at home.
4. Do absolutely nothing all day.
5. Have a day where I clean my entire place and do my shopping, all my stuff.
Not a lot of suggestions, but the ones that work for me and really reinforce that I am taking care of the most important person in my life… Me!
Love Yourself
At this point, this actually sounds redundant because everything I am writing here is about appreciating yourself and creating boundaries that keep you sane. I also believe that treating other people better than you treat yourself creates internal resentment.
Would you have yourself as a friend? Are you kind and gracious to yourself? Do you follow through on your promises to yourself? Do you respect your own boundaries? Or would you kick yourself to the curb because you are unreliable, ungenerous, and downright inconsiderate to yourself?
Do you treat yourself like the “love of your life?”
Why not?! Don’t you deserve it?! Damn right you do. If you don’t, nobody else will for you. If you treat yourself like you come second, should you be surprised when other people do? Think about it… You’ve already given other people permission to dismiss you because you do it to yourself. Seriously, we’re like dogs. We can almost smell it. We put out energy that tells others if we respect ourselves. The meth user, the alcoholic, the verbal and/or physical abusive person, the person who chooses to play dumb. Seriously… do you really think they have respect for themselves? Do you respect them? Vicious cycle!
So, to say it again and again, love who you are and where you are in life right now. Do whatever you can that brings you joy. Learn new things that you’ve always wanted to try. Write down what you want and then create (baby) steps that take you there. People will gravitate to you like a magnet because you are interesting and bring life to whatever room or situation you enter into. You are more interesting. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t want some of that “wonderful stuff” to rub off on them.
We all have our days of challenge. That’s why I love the days when everything goes perfectly. As if the planets have aligned to bring me really good things. It offsets the really tough days or moments. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier in the moment, but there are definitely some little tricks in my bag of “Create Your Best Life” goodies that I tap into that bring me back to center.
I lived in Minnesota from December of 2004, moving back to California in October of 2007. My daughter was in her first year of college and my son was in his last year of high school. In 2005, my daughter decided to move to Louisiana to help with the Katrina efforts and my son signed up to join the Navy. My kids had grown up and taking on the world.
The day before Father’s Day in 2006, I was in a car accident with my son. We were driving from the Twin Cities to the Dells of Wisconsin to attend a funeral. It was the funeral for my mom’s sister. I told her my son and I would represent the family in California.
Five hours into the drive, my son fell asleep at the wheel. I could drive over 20 hours through really boring, flat countryside, so I was surprised when my son fell asleep in 5 hours. My older sister has admitted that she can’t drive more than 2 hours at a stretch. Personally, I don’t get it. But, there I was staring out my open passenger window, on a really gorgeous sunny day, and the only thought that went through my mind as the car transported over three lanes of highway sideways at the speed of light toward the side of the road was, “Oh shit.” We never made it to the funeral and all I remember about the actual accident was looking out the window, watching the side of the road and trees coming at me.
I had taken my seat belt off during the trip, having reached into the back seat for something to eat, or drink, or read. I don’t remember. I don’t remember when I flew through the open passenger window, as the car rolled three times. My son was able to get out of the car and couldn’t find me. I wasn’t around the car, I wasn’t under the car, and he couldn’t find my mobile phone. He went back to the highway to flag down help. Someone who could help him find me and hopefully had a phone to call emergency services.
I woke up the next day in a hospital. Fractured spinal column, fractured bone in my arm, fractured skull, a collapsed lung (those were the big things to overcome), and other things I don’t recall. It hurt to move even a little. My son had a little patch of hair missing from his scalp. Really, that was it. When the car rolled, it seemed to smash the roof down on the driver side of the vehicle where he sat. He was 18 and 6’2”, with his head already skimming the top of the Saturn roof.
I discovered later, while I was in the hospital, my only living grandparent, my grandmother, had died.
A year after the car accident, September of 2007, my mom called me asking me to come back “home.” My brother had been diagnosed with liver cancer. We didn’t know how long he had to live. I put my notice in at work and one month later I was back in California. Upon arriving, one week later, my brother died
In November of 2007, my son left for basic training in the Navy and my mom went into surgery for a hip replacement. Actually, it was to replace the hip she had done the first time over 20 years earlier. The surgery was a great success, but, at the recovery facility, she was loaded up on so much medication that she nearly died and was transported back to the hospital. When the hospital called me to tell me that she was doing well enough to go back to the recovery facility, I told them to release her to come home where I would take care of her. Within one week, a therapist and I had her walking with the aid of a walker.
I then started looking for work, during a time when California didn’t have a lot of jobs to pick from. Within one month, I had a job offer with the State of California. I officially became a “civil servant.” I started at the bottom, making literally half the income I made ten years ago. Within the first month at the job, I moved from my mom’s as her “in-home care provider” to my own place. The studio in Old Sacramento. That first year at the job with the State, I was then faced with three furlough days a month, which further cut into my pockets.
This is just the past four years. A lot!
There were successes:
- learning yoga to help my flexibility and strengthen my bones so I don’t have to live on pain killers for my back and head;
- moving from the snow and cold and back to the warm, dry weather;
- finding work;
- finding an apartment close to work;
- back to the gym to lose the weight I had gained from the stress and occasional bouts of depression.
And there were challenges:
- dealing with constant pain, which the Vicadin really only barely touched anyway;
- a new job with a boss who REALLY does not like me;
- making new friends; and
- basically, starting over.
So what are some of the things I’ve learned over the years?
Know, by grace, you are all blessed.
Even when you feel like curling up into a little ball to die, know that this too shall pass. There are several phrases that come to mind.
- My sister has a motto, “It could be worse.” I hate it when she says this because, well, yeah, anything could be worse. But, to me, that reinforces the negative tendency she has of thinking. Anything can be better too.
- “Make lemonade out of lemons.” This is closer to my motto. I think, “What do I need to do to turn this around?” and “How does this make me stronger?” or “What can I take away from this that I can apply in life that makes me more compassionate, tolerant, patient, appreciate the people and things I do have in my life, what’s important, what’s not important, what my values are, reinforcing integrity in my life, and assessing the people and things I allow to take up space in my life.”
- “God only gives you what you can handle.” What?!! Now realize that without challenges, life would be boring. We would not stretch ourselves to the full potential of what we are capable of without a push. I get that there are people who find some kind of sick satisfaction in wallowing in their tragedy, but I want to be the person that my kids can look up to and want to look up to. When my kids are faced with their challenges, they will reach inside themselves for the courage to do what it takes. And, yes, I also hope to inspire my kids to do great things.
Hold onto your confidence (and self-esteem) and don’t let anyone take it away from you.
You will come across “haters” and they will try to tear you down. I have to admit that there aren’t too many people who intimidate me. We are no better and no less than the homeless on the street or the high position, power person. However, you will come across people who, because of their own insecurities, will do everything they can to wreak havoc in your life, attempt to sabotage your career or efforts to reach your goals, or damage your reputation. It isn’t about you! These are people who perpetuate and project their insecurities onto others in order to make themselves feel better.
I know, weird and stupid. We should be lifting each other up and helping one another, not tearing each other down. Do not allow these people to inflict doubt and mental damage in your thinking! You bring value to each person you meet, you are here with talents and something to offer in all that you do and to all those who come into contact with you. Whether a smile on the street to and from a stranger, picking up your coffee every morning from the same coffee house, your boss, colleagues, family, on the phone, your online social network, etc. You bring value, make it positive and make it count. You don’t always get a second chance. It’s possible that you could be that person they connect with in that day that turns their day around.
Trust is hard to gain, but easy to lose.
Surround yourself with good people.
Friends who inspire you and cheer you on. Develop relationships with people you admire and respect. Make time for the people who are important to you. It takes effort. You might find this surprising, but some of the most successful people are also the most generous with their time, gratitude, and words of encouragement. Genuine success lifts people up. How do you think they got to be so successful? Yes, there are those who gain success through methods that are not reputable or ethical, but they deal with the consequences and ultimately pay a price. I would rather pay a price for doing what I believe is the right thing to do. Also, remember, money is not the measure of success.
Read.
Read books about people who inspire you, like biographies or autobiographies. Read books that are encouraging, inspiring, and motivational. Read books to gain knowledge and expand your skills. First, with the library and, now, with the internet, knowledge is free. You can find information on anything you want and apply them to yourself.
Knowledge is freedom.
Write.
Write about your challenge and what the hero would do. Be graphic and detailed. Then, BE the hero. It’s one way to put into motion to becoming your own hero in your own story. This life is your story. How would you like to see it unfold?
Create your own haven.
Mine is my home. It’s beautiful, warm, inviting, cozy, and I’m surround by lots of books and wonderful music. I can escape whatever chaos is going on around me and outside of myself and I have absolute control over what I decide to do with my haven. Sometimes I like to completely escape, no phone calls, no visitors, just me and whatever I choose to do or not do. Or I invite special people into my haven who I love and appreciate.
Take care of yourself.
I like to take luxurious baths. I make great efforts to eat good, clean food, prepared at home. I go to the gym or workout at home. I write on my blog that allows me to connect with like-minded people, like you. Laying by the pool; connecting with friends and family; reading; watching a movie. Do things you love. Find what you are passionate about and do those things that allow you to pursue and connect to it.
Find your dream and make a plan.
Do the things that take you closer to doing what you love.
Simplify your life.
That could mean cutting up credit cards and living on what you make. Clearing out things in your life you don’t want, don’t need, or just taking up space. Clear up your past. Are there things in your past that are holding you back because you have unresolved “crap” that you should be taking care of to move forward? Are there people you need to forgive or make amends to? My past has a nice collection of bad choices and decisions. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it does make me value the lessons I’ve learned and employs my creativity to figure out how to fix or resolve the fallout. We all have project resolution skills. Put it on your resume! We put resolution skills to work on our most important project, ourselves.
Simply love yourself.
We all have our flaws and imperfections. Sometimes, they can be our greatest assets. It just depends on how you decide to view them. Refer back to the “Lemon/Lemonade” analogy. If you can’t tap into appreciating and loving yourself, how can you possibly give to others what you don’t have. It’s like the glass with a crack in it. It can never be filled and it is exhausting for anybody else to have the burden of trying to fill it. Once again, realize that you bring value to your relationships and connections. Nobody is looking for perfect, just human, and has confidence in their own unique gifts and talents. Once again, become the person you envision and do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Everybody has his or her story. This is just a little bit of my story and what I have taken away from some of my own experiences and make efforts to apply. I’m still a work in progress and ever evolving. I still find myself looking for validation in others, but reminding myself that it is more important of what I think of myself. I’m still hurt when other people do things to me to inflict pain or negativity. I still have my insecurities. In the end, I love who I am, the person I am becoming, the strength I have discovered in myself, the lessons learned, and the person I know I can be.
What are some of the things you do bring out your best? What is your story? What is your biggest challenge? What are you doing to face your challenges head on and overcome? What is your one great tip that you live by? I hope you will share with the rest of us. We could all use inspiration.
You are AMAZING!
I too suffer from procrastination. Procrastinating on things that are important to me, that can propel me in a direction I want to go; but, nevertheless, procrastinating.
It’s good to take some time for yourself and relax, but when it takes away from the things you should be doing, the only person who suffers is yourself. In the end, you have nobody to blame but yourself.
So get moving, schedule in what you need to do and then, like Nike puts it so directly, commit and “Just Do It.”
Procrastination is defined by Webster’s as:
- To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.
- To postpone or delay needlessly.
I could very well stop right here. After all, those are some pretty strong words that get the point across quite succinctly, carelessness, laziness, needlessly.
Personally, the effects of procrastination can result in stress, guilt, a sense of crisis or urgency, and loss of productivity. Socially, disapproval and a reputation for not being dependable, lack of responsibility, and the inability to be accountable to your commitments or actions. Whether you are procrastinating in your personal life or with friends, family, and your employer, do you really want to be seen as someone that can’t be depended on to the people who matter to you most, let alone yourself.
So why do we procrastinate? Some were stated above in the definition: carelessness, laziness. Other reasons I would add would be fear, anxiety, believing that it isn’t that important.
There are two types of procrastinators according to Wikipedia. You have the Relaxed type and the Tense-Afraid type.
The Relaxed Type
The relaxed type of procrastinators view their responsibilities negatively and avoid them by directing energy into other tasks. It is common, for example, for relaxed type procrastinating children to abandon schoolwork but not their social lives. Students often see projects as a whole rather than breaking them into smaller parts. This type of procrastination is a form of denial or cover-up; therefore, typically no help is being sought. Furthermore, they are also unable to defer gratification. The procrastinator avoids situations that would cause displeasure, indulging instead in more enjoyable activities. In Freudian terms, such procrastinators refuse to renounce the pleasure principle, instead sacrificing the reality principle. They may not appear to be worried about work and deadlines, but this is simply an evasion of the work that needs to be completed.
The Tense-Afraid Type
The tense-afraid type of procrastinators usually feel overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals, and many other negative feelings. They may feel a sense of malaise. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it’s better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. They usually have grandiose plans that aren’t realistic. Their ‘relaxing’ is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, pencilled into the following day or week in the diary again and again. It can also have a debilitating effect on their personal lives and relationships. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. Tense-afraid procrastinators often withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends.
I will admit that I think I display characteristics from both of these types depending on what it is I’m procrastinating with. Some of the things I find myself procrastinating on:
- Painting my toenails. With the weather warming up, I’m wearing sandals and open-toe shoes and going to the pool. Polished toes is about the details when they’re on display.
- Laundry. Other than the fact that I want to make sure that I have a full load for the cost, I seem to wait till I have nothing left to put together to wear.
- Getting organized. I finally went through my box of documents that require periodic shredding and purging.
- Career opportunities. Developing career and seeking advancement opportunities are my responsibility. Nobody else can do it for me. I don’t like to have too much on my plate that something suffers as a result. Researching and pursuing career opportunities is a LOT of work. It takes time every day to check for new job postings, putting together resume packages, interviewing, etc. When I’m doing this, this is my primary focus and number one priority.
- Income opportunities. Pursuing contract work to do administrative tasks on the side that supplement my income or possibly open up a fantastic opportunity to work and consult independently.
As you can see, some of the things I listed aren’t necessarily deal breakers. I don’t lose the confidence of family, friends, or my employer if I put off painting my toenails or that I have a pile of laundry waiting to be cleaned, as long as I show up in clean, pressed clothing and a general sense of appropriate hygiene. However, some of the other things, I’m just letting myself down. I’m missing out on so many opportunities for personal advancement and growth. Opportunities that take me a bit out of my comfort zone or doing things that I’m not familiar with or don’t know how to do.
Then there are those who have no problem keeping commitments and getting things done for other people, but don’t seem to do the same for themselves. Seriously! That’s just wrong too. By doing the things you need to do for yourself, essentially you increase your value. By this I mean, you are continuing to develop yourself, learn new skills, staying competitive as everything evolves, nurturing your self-esteem, and not putting yourself in the position of being dependent on others for approval or relying on them to meet you own expectations.
So I encourage you to develop a stronger sense of commitment. Commitment to doing even the little things that take you closer to the life you want. You’ll find that finally organizing that closet actually leaves you less stressed as you are able to find what you need, when you need it faster in the morning when you are rushing to get out. Doing your dishes the night before makes you feel good when you come home from a long day at work to make dinner in a nice clean kitchen. Just some examples.
What things do you find yourself procrastinating on? Is there something that you have been procrastinating on for so long that maybe you should just take it off your list, get rid of it, and move on? Are there things you do that help motivate you, like listening to your favorite music or doing the activity with a friend? Share your ideas, your frustrations, your challenges, your tips and tricks. Many times, when you feel like you are doing it ALL on your own, it’s nice to get an encouraging push from someone. Here’s your chance to push.
Just Do It!
I believe that we are all connected. Treat others with dignity and respect. Well, that’s what I try to do. It’s hard sometimes when you are dealing with people who do not treat you with dignity and respect.
For most, your job is your identity. It’s not the dollars that give you value, but the pride you take in your work, the skills and knowledge that you have cultivated over the years, and the satisfaction you feel when you provide a service that contributes to the success of your employer or boss.
Sometimes I think of it as a test, a test of my character. Will I rise above or will I sink to the level of the person who is doing everything they can to demean or intimidate me. Will I cower and allow someone else to reduce my self-esteem. And it is hard, hard not to place some sense of value of myself by the opinions of others or whether someone likes me or not.
Stay strong. Have faith. Always remember that you are unique and important in the larger scheme of things. Try to have patience and understanding for those who are unkind to you. You may not be aware of what they may be going through in their own personal life at the moment, they won’t tell you. Or, for some, just the power of their position can make them cocky and full of self-importance.
Life runs in cycles. It has its ups and downs, great successes and great losses in health, relationships, career, etc. No one is immune when it comes to trials and everyone has the ability to achieve great success.
Listen to and appreciate the people who matter to you and move on from those who don’t. Wish them well, but do not permit them into your psyche to wreak havoc on your mental attitude, chip away at the greatness that is within you, or tear you down. In a job, you just don’t know what you are getting into.
In these times, it is not necessarily that easy to just find another job, but continue to seek out other opportunities. It might take some time and you deserve good things and good people in your life who encourage you, uplift you, help you navigate, and who genuinely appreciate and care about you.
With gratitude and appreciation,
Humans are the only creature on earth that can actively choose, determine, and think. It is our own thinking that determines the quality of our own life. Circumstances may play a role in the choices we make. We can choose to let circumstances determine how we live or we can choose what we do with those circumstance to live the life we want.
People. Appreciate the people that are around you. Every person has a skill and talent. Sometimes it may not be obvious because they hide behind hurt and anger that stems from their own personal past events, but tend to project it onto their present environment. Don’t be that person, but try to be compassionate to those who do. You don’t need to know all the details of the “why,” but accepting of who they are. It may be finding a way to appreciate someone and not knowing what is deeper in that person to appreciate.
We are all connected. The fact that certain individuals are in your life are opportunities to learn about yourself, or to learn more about a quality such as compassion, tolerance, patience, understanding, temperance, grace, love.
Judgements. We live in a world where people judge on first impressions. Try to get past the initial impressions and dig a little deeper. We all want acceptance and appreciation. It’s not about changing people to how we would like for them to be as we all have our own unique path and process of evolution.
Circumstances. Our particular environment can either drive us further into a life we really don’t want, or it can give us the passion and determination to find a way toward a path that is more consistent with who we are and what we desire.
To get away from the sometimes craziness that can seem the norm when doing “the job” or when out participating in the world, my home is my sanctuary. My home reflects me and comforts my soul. I’m surrounded by music that that feeds my soul in whatever mood I’m in at the moment. I’m surround by a variety of books displayed in beautiful bookcases that always encourage me to read about things that motivate me, inspire me, and teach me.
Like water, soil, and sun to a plant, I make every effort to create an environment in my home that nurtures me, that is a haven of warmth and graciousness. Hopefully the qualities that I choose to live in spills over to the person I am at work, with friends, when I get my coffee in the morning, how I interact with the people I know and don’t know. It is here that I have control over what I see, hear, and feel. I choose things that make me smile, that expand my personality and unique style.
The more you reach out for the things to incorporate into your life is more of what you will start to find naturally gravitating toward you. For example, have you ever bought a car and then the day you drive off the lot you seem to see your car EVERYWHERE. Life seems to work that way. You start seeing more of what it is that you are bringing into your own life.
This is your challenge: Send out more of what you want to see coming into your life. Here is where you get to use your power of “choice.” Be accepting those things that are more you and want in your life, and choose to decline those things, people, and circumstances that aren’t. By discovering and appreciating what is uniquely you, you are able to appreciate and allow others to process their own path without judgment. It’s not a perfect world, but it is YOUR world. Create the world you choose to live in. It may not be perfect, but it is continually evolving, as it should be. Be confident in the person you are and what you have to offer the world. You make a difference just by showing up and being a part of it. You may inspire others because you have the courage to dance to your own music.
It’s not an overnight process. It does take time. Patience takes time, kindness and tolerance to less-than-tolerant people takes patience, and living in a state of grace takes a lot of kindness and tolerance.
In conclusion, I wish upon you an abundance of grace.
With great affection,
Nothing is perfect and, really, would we want it to be? What would we have to challenge us? What would inspire us to push past our comfort zone and do or be what we may not believe is who we are or capable of? Isn’t it the discontent of achieving beyond our limitations that inspires us? Isn’t the mere fact that “limitations” shouldn’t even be in our vocabulary.
I want to inspire you today to GO FOR IT! Stop dreaming, pining, wishing and DO IT! I am truly excited for you and WITH you. Why? Because you deserve it. You really do!
Why am I writing this today? I have had my challenges to overcome for quite some time. Thinking, “Okay, when is the pendulum going to start swinging my way?” This has become a transformative year for me. Relocating back to California, again, was scary and I had a lot of work to do to get on my feet and start over. It’s nice to be able to wipe the slate clean and just kind of start over, but you bring along with it some of your past that may need to be resolved and, in essence, some baggage to clear up.
I had a laundry list of stuff I had to do.
- Help my mom through the difficulty of losing one of her children, my brother, to cancer one week coming into the California border. I had my own emotions to sort through to process the death of my “big” brother. Not a close relationship, but fond and admirable nonetheless.
- Help my mom through her second hip surgery. Surgery went great, but recovery wasn’t going so well and me and my siblings almost lost our beloved mother at age 84. I convinced the facility to send her home where I would personally care for her. I even helped her to start walking again after 10 years of getting around in a wheelchair.
- Find a job. Through aggressive pursuit, I landed a job with the State of California. I did this with my mom trying to tell me that California is just not hiring. I would tell her to stop with such talk and convince her that there were great opportunities for someone with my skill and background.
- Find my own place. I happened to fall in the perfect place, for where I was at in my life, at the perfect moment.
All of this within the first six months coming back home to California. That, in and of itself, was quite an accomplishment.
I have been back in California for a little over two years now and this year has “success” written all over it. I had some mishaps along the way. For example, while working full-time and taking a college course and in finals, I failed a promotional exam. I was carrying a lot on my mind and just didn’t have the focus to blow up the exam. I didn’t beat myself up and think I must be stupid as hell. I still had a lot to do and knew that the perfect opportunity would arrive. I passed the exam with flying colors the next time I took it, but I was also able to make it my focus and nothing consumed my brain when the time came.
I believe we are presented opportunities when we are ready. When something that I want does not come through or I feel like I am beating my head against a wall to get it, I resolve to let it go knowing that it is not in the design, at least for the moment.
My point is, DO SOMETHING. You can’t set the wheels in motion unless you take action that gets you from where you are today to where you want to be. Interestingly, you will find other opportunities just showing up out of nowhere.
I started writing this blog on accident. I had set up a website to explore my own business. Holding down a full-time job and taking classes, I wasn’t able to market or work that part of it. I started writing. Now I have people from all over the world I get to know and interact with. I wouldn’t have had that if I didn’t start writing here. I fell into something I enjoy doing by taking action on something I wanted.
You see, we may see something that we want, but we can end up getting something better.
- Determine. What do you want?
- Brainstorm. What do you need to do to get where you want to go?
- Take action. Just take that first step to get you going in your intended direction.
- Focus. Keep going. Do the next thing.
- You hit a roadblock. Do something else that moves you toward your desire.
- Determination. Keep going. It’s okay to take a break and recoup, but set a limit and plunge back in with conviction to accomplish the next series of steps.
- Celebrate. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the moment of accomplishment. Do the happy dance. Let the joy surround you in the moment and the people you are with.
- Move on. If you have people who you feel aren’t excited with you, know when to limit or sever your time with them. You are moving in directions they allow fear to hold them back. You have courage to jump when they are held motionless. Move on to people and circumstances that will start coming your way because you have opened your world up to and expanded your vision.
Watch your world open up! It is truly exciting and you are truly courageous to put yourself out of your comfort zone, believe that you are exceptional, and have the faith that you deserve all the great things life has to offer you.
I’m cheering for you. Let me know what you’re doing in going after the “brass ring.” NO, let’s make it the “platinum ring.”
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