Confidence is sexy, let me just get that out there. Confidence is reassuring; it’s decisive. People will follow sureness and direction. Confidence has the capacity to make others feel safe. You believe in them and their abilities.
Some History
The definition of confidence from the dictionary and its use related to this writing is:
“Belief in one’s own abilities; self-assurance”
Confidence is derived from the word “confident” and “confide.” Latin for confidentia, “to have full trust or reliance,” from con- , intensive prefix, + fidere “to trust.”
To have confidence projects attributes of assurance, authority, self-assurance, sureness, and self-confidence. Confidence instills in others hopefulness, trust, and security. While the opposite of confidence is obvious, lacking self-confidence. The lack of self-confidence attributes is shy, timid, unsure, and diffident. Quite a contrast and really gives you an idea of where you lie on the spectrum.
Where to Start? The Internal
The biggest and hardest work you will have to do is the internal stuff. It is also the most important. It is difficult to project outside of yourself what doesn’t exist on the inside. It can come across fake, pushy, and bossy. Self-confidence isn’t self-serving; it takes accountability for how they treat people, their surroundings, and the world. These are the people who inspire and create change that makes a difference.
Exercise 1: Create a Thank You or Gratitude Journal
Every day, there is so much to be grateful for. Do you ever just walk down the street, it’s beautiful and sunny, not a cloud in the sky and just say thank you to the heaven’s as you are walking into work. I walk about four blocks in all the elements of the weather every day. For days like today, where the forecast is for wind and rain, I am singing praises that I was given a window to get to my destination in dry weather either before or after the pounding rain. This morning, the heavy downpour stopped before leaving for work. Last night I left work just before the downpour began. This goes in my gratitude journal every time.
Maybe you have had some health, financial, relationship, or career issues that have been weighing you down, but your kids come by and/or call you regularly to check on you, make sure you’re doing okay, ask you if there is anything you need or want. Sometimes it can be about seeing the good stuff that comes out of the icky stuff. When you are able to recognize the good stuff when surrounded with challenges, you actually begin to get more tuned in to opportunities manifesting all around you. Where your radar did not pick up on opportunities previously, your radar has now shifted and you find people, events, and circumstances presenting simple joys into your life. You have now opened your mind and heart up to receive beautiful things into your life. For many of us, that is the hardest part… to realize that we deserve good things to come to us and graciously accept them. Gratitude journal!
Exercise 2: Create a Thoughts & Ideas Journal
I have ideas coming into my head all the time throughout the day, or a book or information that will come to my attention that I might want to look into, maybe a quote that struck me at the moment. It’s great to have a handy notebook to write it down, because I always end up forgetting it even an hour later. It is something you can go back to at a later date when you want to remember something or be inspired. Your big idea that makes you millions might come from there. It’s also is a great reminder of the many great ideas that you come up with ALL the time.
Exercise 3: 100 Successes
Make a list of 100 successes. I would suggest breaking it up into segments or blocks of time. Something like every 10 years, 15 years, or 20 years; or birth through primary school, high school through college, post-college to current date. At first you will think of the big things, like graduating from college, the birth of your children, getting married, getting first place in track, a promotion. Soon you will have to recognize the little successes to get to 100. How about learning to ride a bike, starting over on your own after a divorce, learning algebra, getting your driver’s license.
If you have ever gone to or are currently going to interviews, this is a great exercise. Getting asked the question, “Describe a project you worked on that was successful” or “Describe a challenge and what you did to overcome it.” This is a pretty staple question at interviews. With this exercise, you will have a plethora of examples to draw from. So don’t forget to write down your challenging career successes.
You will discover that you are gifted and talented in so many ways and that you have learned so much and continue to learn each day. This exercise will actually inspire you to come up with challenges so you can list it as a success. It will also inspire you to face your current challenges head on so that you can mark this down as an achievement.
Remembering your successes of the past paves a way for more success to come your way. When you are feeling down and debilitated by a challenge, you can pick up your list of successes and be inspired that you can do this (whatever your current challenge is).
Exercise 4: Victory Log
I guess this would be your successes in the making log. After you have made a list of successes, you will be inspired to challenge yourself and/or overcome your challenges just so you can add them to your Victory Log. Once again, it’s not just what we consider to be big victories; remember the little victories along the way. Many times it is the little things that chip away at the challenge and allow the big victory to happen. Write them down, appreciate them, and take credit for all the successes you make in a day.
Exercise 5: Reward
More often than not we may feel our hard work goes unnoticed. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to get recognition from outside yourself alone. Make a point of rewarding yourself when you accomplish something, reach a goal, or finish a project. Like a little kid who is struggling on their homework when they would rather be out playing with their friends. As the parent, we give direction. Well that can be tough to do when they just can’t get the focus to concentrate and do what needs to be done. So you let them know that once they have completed their homework, they can play with their friends. If they get an A on the next exam, you will get them that game on Wii or Nintendo. You get the idea. Promise yourself a prize or reward for completing a project, assignment, or goal. We might be grown up, but we still crave appreciation and accomplishment. Here’s your “gold star!”
Exercise 6: Meditation
Meditation can be something different for different people. For some, it is a walk along the river or any other body of water or being surrounded by nature. Meditation is a time to get out of your own head, dump out all of your anxieties, demands, and expectations and listen to your heart and soul. Some people prefer to do it first thing in the morning, it sets them up for the rest of the day to let the good things come their way. Others, like me as I’m not really a morning person, prefer a meditative activity in the evening. It puts perspective and releases the finished day. Meditation and meditative activities reconnects us to the energies around us and settles our overactive brains.
Exercise 7: Exercise
Exercise promotes healing and strength. It lifts your spirits and energy; not only physically, but mentally as well. Exercising regularly and eating healthy can do wonders for sharpening your mind, making you more focused, activates the skill of determination, and brings out your inner confidence as you transform the outer image of yourself.
Whenever you start making changes from bad habits to good, healthy, and productive habits, you will find your confidence growing as you take on your bigger challenges. To start, find something you already enjoy, that gets you moving, and do it 30 minutes a day. As your confidence grows, you will be able to add more activities and incorporate more activity into your daily schedule.
Also, appreciate your body. Appreciating the beauty in your own skin is an amazing thing. Eating healthy and exercise is giving back the respect all that your body does for you on a daily basis. Besides, you get to live in it for the rest of your life. Like the care and maintenance you give to your car and home, I hope you hold your body to a higher standard of care and love.
Exercise 8: Self-Appreciation Exercise
At the end of the day, before you go to bed, stand in front of a mirror. Take a moment to look deep into the eyes of this person, the reflection that is you, and into their heart. Your best friend, the person who means the most to you in this world. Begin by saying your name out loud and saying all the things you appreciate.
- Acknowledge your business, financial, educational, personal, physical, spiritual, or emotional achievements.
- Acknowledge your personal successes in diet, exercise, reading, meditative, journaling, or prayer.
- Acknowledge successes in not giving in to your temptations like passing up dessert, not watching so much tv, going to bed early, forgoing the sugary drink or alcoholic beverage, eating healthy snacks instead of potato chips, etc.
When you are done, take a moment to take in everything that was appreciated. Before turning to go off to bed, tell your friend in the mirror, “I love you.” That part might be the hardest part to do of all and the most important. Over time, you will start seeing this really amazing person looking back at you in the reflection.
Exercise 9: Affirmations
Affirmations are a really great tool to boost confidence. You can use them anywhere, anytime.
Write them down on Post It Notes and put them on your refrigerator, your bathroom mirror, your dresser, on your computer monitor or tower, anywhere you need a quick affirmation pick me up.
- Quote your favorite affirmation as a mantra when you are meditating.
- Quote your affirmations at particular times of the day, like first thing in the morning, before you go to bed, as you are driving or walking into work or school.
- Quote affirmations when you have a big event coming up, such as on the way to an interview, getting ready for a date, on your way to Thanksgiving dinner with family, getting together with the in-laws.
All of these things take time. It’s a process. It takes time for a flower to bloom, for the child to grow into a man/woman. It’s the process of learning; learning to change things that don’t apply to you, that don’t make sense, and that don’t belong. Take the time because you deserve it and it’s a process of discovery along the way. Some things may be harder than others, but keep plugging along and enjoy the process. Log your changes and write down what you’re learning.
Another thing you might start to see happening is you begin seeing opportunities and successes where you didn’t before. You may find yourself less anxious and, therefore, other people are less anxious when they are around you. You may find yourself actually enjoying some of your challenges, getting excited about what you can do next to overcome the next obstacle.
The most confident people are also the most gracious. They appreciate where they’ve been, where they are, the people they have with them, and the details of what makes each thing so amazing and fantastic. They are also understanding of others flaws, realizing that we are all flawed and imperfect and display kindness and compassion when appropriate.
The majority of confident and successful people have stories. It is the stories of how their challenges shaped them and contributed to their success by teaching them perseverance through adversity, patience, the ability to ask for guidance, and the belief that great people, things, and opportunities come into their life. Faith!
Most of all I wish you great love in discovering yourself and what makes you so fantastic that it doesn’t make sense for you not to be confident.
I attempt to lead a relatively simple and, to a certain degree, quite a minimalist lifestyle. Sometimes that makes me feel like a bit of an outsider at times. Not always going with the direction of what would be considered “normal” or necessarily mainstream. Not so much a follower of the population, but I do try to follow my heart, listen to my intuition, and keep my eyes open for “signs.” I don’t mean to sound metaphysical, just to express that, with all the craziness of trying to keep up, I make every effort to retain my perspective, the idea of who I am and want to be, and my sanity by not getting bogged down by all the activity that takes place around me that can steer me off of who I inherently am inside or question the greatness that is within me and provoke me to act in a way that is against my best judgment or call into question my morals and values of what I believe is right. Living my life with integrity that represents the core of who I am, the contribution that I make with the people I interact with each day, and the appreciation I receive when I am authentic.
What You Already Know
There are things that you already know about yourself. What you like, what you don’t like. Do you find when you do something that you already know you don’t like, you find yourself disappointed? I do. So why do we keep doing it? Is it thinking that there will be a different outcome? Or that the situation deserves another chance? I love trying new things, new foods, new styles, new destinations, meeting new people. That’s different. When you continue to do things that you know doesn’t work for you, what does it take to make you clear your closet of that and replace with something that doesn’t work for you with something new that may be even better.
Moments of Epiphany
It dawned on me that I don’t look good in grey. I love black and white, those are always my classic colors, but grey completely washes me out and makes me look and feel drab. I know I have a pair of grey pants, so why do I keep them? To reduce the clutter in my life for what doesn’t work for me it is time to get rid of the grey in my life. I also have a wide array of lipstick colors, but there is only one that I always “want” to wear, because no matter what I wear it always looks great. I do have a second color that adds a little punch, and I stroke a bit of my favorite over the top of that. I can also wear just about any gloss over the top of my favorite and it looks fabulous. So why do I hold onto the rest of the colors? I keep thinking if I wear pink, the pink lipstick would look good; or I would wear red during the Christmas holidays, but when I do, I don’t think it is my best color. What I should do is toss all the lipsticks that are taking up space and stick with my “classic” and splurge every once in a while on a fun gloss to mix things up. I’ve also come to realize that black eyeliner is just too much for me and the browns always make my blue eyes that much more bluer. The solution… get rid of the colors that don’t make me feel good, get colors that do make me feel good, and try some new colors that just might make me feel good.
You Have So Many Choices
I loved working in law, I also loved working in engineering. I find both industries to be dynamic, interesting, intellectual, and challenging. I’ve worked in other industries and find them rather boring in comparison. So why haven’t I focused on finding more work that is in line with law or engineering? I guess I never took the time to realize some of the specifics about what I love about being a executive professional other than being really good at getting things done and how to get things done. Still, the industry in which you work can provide passion in the details of what you are doing and why.
Create a List of You
I’ve written in the past about making a list of what you want to accomplish and listing what you need to do to get there. But, I never suggested, starting your list of assessing who you are and what you already know you love or what makes you feel good. If you use this as a starting point, you are able to hone in on what activities or goals are really a perfect match for you, instead of chasing after what you think you should be doing. You will avoid a lot of wasted time and disappointment by going after things that really make your spirit sing. I don’t regret working in the various different industries. After all, that is what helped me discover more clearly what I do love in the work I do. I can also expand on the skills I provide because I have become more conscious of what I naturally have a knack for, what I struggle with, or what I’m really not very good at.
Make It Work For You
I work out at the gym five or six days a week. There are times when I can’t wait to get into the gym that day and am actually looking forward to it. Other days, I have to literally drag myself to the gym, but once I get there, I am full steam and motivated. I didn’t think I would like the elliptical, but found it to be less stressful on my knees and, after a while, now find myself enjoying it as I get into the rhythm of the music for the pace that makes me feel pumped up. I didn’t think I would enjoy the cycle because I am sitting down, I think I could be accomplishing much more aerobically by doing something else. Now I find the cycle almost meditative, I’m able to decompress on the cycle and even watch a movie, and still break a sweat. I also spend an hour on the elliptical and a half-hour on the cycle to offset my thinking that I am not pushing myself like I should. I tend to feel intimidated by weights, but have found that I can get through them very quickly and find myself already done. So I have found ways that make my workouts enjoyable, makes me look forward to going in each day, and feel like I’m missing out when I don’t go. The pros: I feel more fit, my weight is more manageable, and I’m reaching health goals. The cons: being early in the year, the gym is sometimes pretty crowded and it is almost like “Where is Waldo?” when looking for a piece of equipment. I don’t care for crowded locations to a certain degree and would prefer a lighter amount of traffic that makes me feel like there is more air and space flow that surrounds me. So I go as late as possible without getting out of the gym at midnight when I have to get up early in the morning.
Just Do It!
By eliminating what doesn’t work for you and replacing it with the things that do, you create more balance in your life. Believe it or not, many times it is the “things” in our life that we don’t let go of, knowing that it isn’t right for us, that clutters our minds and our life. By removing these things, you allow better things to come into your life, whether you know it or not. And you become more particular and more focused on what you already know works for you to allow them in. This includes friendships and relationships. You and I are sometimes the very people who set up our own roadblocks by letting the unimportant take up space in our lives. We allow it take up residence in our psyche thinking we have a reason for letting it be there.
Don’t! Get rid of what is unnecessary. Make room for what makes you feel good. There are some things that you just can’t change at this very moment, but you can make a concerted effort to step away for a moment to clear your mind space and come back centered and focused. Sometimes you may just need to let what is going on around you just sort of flow past you. To let the energy around the activity sort of pass by with very little reaction from you. To just not take that day so seriously. And, sometimes, to just take a personal day and step away to shake off and let some of the intensive energy settle in order to get back in, hopefully with your perspective, your energy, and your authentic self to reemerge.
Thank You
We are continually on a journey of self-discovery. Find appreciation in the things that make you remarkable; find appreciation in the remarkable things around you; find appreciation in the little things that come your way; find appreciation in the challenges that you take on and overcome along the way that make you stronger, wiser, and more patient.
Find the Grace of God in each day, whenever you can.
If you find this article helpful, pass it on to someone who can use a boost. If you know someone who always seems overwhelmed or a bit harried in life taking over, this article might remind them of their value and the importance of taking the time to appreciate themselves. And, if you liked this article and it really kind of hits home with you, leave a comment and let me know. I would love to hear from you and hear about what keeps you authentic. And thank you for stopping by to visit with me.
Or should I say coexisting peacefully? Regardless, we are bombarded each day with decisions, urgencies, surprises, stresses, and demands. We would like to believe that we are in control, but we just aren’t.
We can give our life direction by the decisions we make, good or bad, but we cannot account for the uncertainties and external factors of others or random external events. So there you have it, the process of navigating through life’s challenges and surprises with a sense of purpose and peace.
Processing and managing life’s inconveniences and irritations do not have to be all-consuming. There are some things that you can do to keep perspective and move forward with grace.
- Life, like nature, has cycles. There is a time for everything. A time for love, a time for heartache. A time for health, a time for illness. A time for wealth, a time for poverty. A time for success, a time for failure. Understanding this helps you to remember that, just around the corner, things will turn in your favor. There will always be something that needs tending too.
- Meditate. Meditation calms the mind, releases stress, and brings you back to center. It is also in quieting the mind, you are able to reduce the noise, and bring forth clarification and focus. Allow the obvious to bubble to the surface and become inspired.
- Create fences. When dealing with work issues, leave them at work. If there is a lot of drama going on at home, with family, or friends, don’t bring them to work. The point is don’t let one aspect of your life filter into and infect another aspect of your life.
- Act normal. Going through your day as if everything is okay, is okay. There is a difference between having a problem in your life and making a problem of your life.
- Write it out. Give yourself five minutes or a half hour to get it all out, take some sort of action toward resolution with a determined deadline, and let it go. Don’t marinate in it.
- Go for a walk. Fresh air, get the blood moving, free up your thought process, release negative energies, and come back feeling renewed and refreshed.
- Be grateful and appreciate. The likelihood of everything at one time being perfect is probably not even possible. So, with that said, the likelihood of everything at one time being wrong is remote. Appreciation for the good things in our life is a gift. You may not have your health, but you have your sense of humor. You may not have your big house anymore, but you still get to wake up each day with your kids.
There are things in life that we can live without and things we can’t. We make adjustments, we discover new things we like more, life changes and thought processes that raise us up and improve how we treat ourselves and others we would not have done otherwise.
Here is your mantra, “There Are No Ordinary Moments – Only Extraordinary Moments.” In everything you do, there is a choice. Believe it or not, there are forks in the road wherever you go and in whatever you do. Take a moment to find the appreciation in it.
Today I visited with my mom, which I make a point of doing on a regular basis. I come from a high-drama family. If there is no drama, they will create it. So it makes for an exhausting visit, usually. But I love my mama and I seem to have a way of steering the conversation so that it is uplifting and encouraging. Needless to say, I should be aware that I am getting through a challenging day when I just don’t seem to be able to do that.
I take time to meditate and have even set up a really nice little meditation shelf (right on my windowsill that looks out over the big city lights of downtown). When I’m feeling stressed, it brings me back to center. When I’m having a great day, it’s the perfect time to appreciate my successes and be thankful for the people and opportunities that come into my life.
In finding the extraordinary moments in life, I appreciate the subtle meditation as I walk through the tunnel on my way to work, as the music pipes through. Seriously, I get to hear this every morning. While riding on my Honda, I take appreciation in the wind blowing around me and the cars acknowledging that I am near them (my bike is a bright yellow bumblebee, you can’t miss me). I appreciate the moments when I am stopped to ask where something is (do I look like someone who knows all the locations downtown? I’m getting there.). I appreciate my son on Veteran’s Day as he represents our country serving for the U.S. Navy (I’m really proud of him!). I appreciate my daughter as she sends me really funny pics of panda bears to my cell phone (she is one of the strongest people I know and has a great sense of humor.).
Greatness is everywhere. It’s all around us. Take a moment to breath, dump all the “garbage” out of your head, let go of the negativity that only you create, and experience and appreciate the moment. It will come and go in a flash and you can never get that moment back. It is in the moments that you find your greatness and you discover the greatness in others. Appreciate the hug, the kiss, the interaction with someone you just met, or the interaction you have each day with your colleagues, family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, and kids.
Heaven is on earth. It is how you choose to live, breathe, see, and be in that moment. Be gracious. Realize that in every detail we are connected. You might be surprised.
